As we say goodbye to the year that was 2017, I am reflecting on the massive changes that have affected our family. I am still trying to come to terms with our new ‘normal’. I find any type of change difficult, so you can’t imagine just how big an affect adding an extra person into our mix has had on me. It has been hard. Much harder than I had thought it would be.

What I would like to do with this post is reflect on my thoughts about each member of my immediate family this. Immediate being Grace, Ross, Rex and, of course, me. We have also seen huge changes individually as well as a whole and I think that 2017 has been the biggest year of change for some time.

Grace

Grace has come on in leaps and bounds this year. She moved up from Year 5 to Year 6 – improving all the while. She has won head teacher awards for numerous subjects including Science, English, Maths, DT and RE. She has won awards in Music and in French – twice. She has taken part in dance club and cheerleading club. She finished Brownies as a sixer. She has matured so much quicker than I had ever imagined she would.

But there have been two most memorable moments for me with her this year.

The first – and most important – was the moment she became a big sister. Grace was adamant that she be there during my labour, and she was. For the majority. The fact that she now has a younger brother has really brought out the caring nature that I already knew was there. She helps me so much more than she will ever realise. Her patience with her little brother is outstanding and, no matter how much he fusses or cries, it never phases her. She is always there with a kind word and a gentle joke about it, whatever the situation.

The second moment was when she found out she had been awarded a distinction on her Grade 1 piano exam. Back in the middle of July, Grace took her exam. A few weeks later the phone rang. I asked Grace to answer it because I was feeding Rex and it turned out to be her piano teacher. I will never forget the look on Grace’s face as she was given the news. I wish I had been able to video her. She kept repeating ‘thank you’ and started to cry. It turned out she had received 133 out of a possible 150.

Ross

Over the years in which we have been trying for a baby, Ross and I have had our differences – and difficulties. He and I have not seen eye to eye over many things and I think he may well have become perplexed over my ever-changing moods no thanks to the many hormones I have been pumping through my body. But, he has held fast and never deserted me. Even during the most difficult of moments.

The biggest change for him hasn’t been becoming a dad. He has already been a most excellent one to Grace. The biggest change has been becoming a dad from the outset of his son’s life and, as a result, an amazing support to me. I read once that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love and respect their mother. I have received this in abundance from Ross.

He drove me to and from hospital almost daily when they diagnosed my pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks. He was there for me throughout the weekend where I was induced and was a wonderful support throughout my labour. He repeated over and over what respect he had for me and my strength when I gave birth to our son. I have not had it easy over the last six months and really have had some of my lowest moments. Ross has been so supportive despite being in immense physical pain himself. He has taken Rex downstairs early in the morning so I can get some extra sleep. He has cooked and cleaned and done the washing. All of this on top of the fact that he has been working to support his family. I am so lucky to have had all of this from him. And, on the whole, he has done it with a huge smile on his face. In return, I see the immense love and respect that is now radiating from Rex – as well as Grace – for him.

Rex

Well, what can I say about this handsome, happy little boy. Rex has come into our lives and finally completed us as a family. His infectious smile is enough to soften even the hardest of hearts and there have been times where he’s smiled through tears despite anything that may have been troubling him. In fact, Ross has used his smile as a valuable business lesson in a blog post for Recruitment Guide recently and summed it up perfectly. Smiling is definitely his favourite.

He may have come a little sooner than expected – or he had wanted! – with the fact that I was induced. But he was a healthy 7lb 9oz when he did. He battled through jaundice and then it was discovered he had reflux. It hasn’t phased him though. And whilst I’ve found it extremely hard at times to cope, he’s been there helping me along with a smile and a giggle at just the right moments. I can’t wait to see how he and his big personality develop through 2018.

Me

Finally, there’s me. This year has been one of the hardest best years of my life. Towards the end of my pregnancy I don’t think I realised just how poorly I was. I was carrying on thinking that it was fine. That I was pregnant and had no right to feel awful. I look back at photos of me from that period and can see how ill I looked compared to the rest of my pregnancy – and how proud I am for how well I did during my labour with Rex. No pain relief (not that I didn’t ask for it!) and no stitches.

The second half of the year was a whole different ballgame. I’d forgotten how very time consuming babies were. I felt like I’d lost my identity. My freedom had gone. The lack of sleep – which I thought I could handle – was made worse with the reflux issues which Rex had. I felt trapped and unable to do anything for me. I’d got through that when Grace was small, come out the other side and now I felt like I’d hit the reset button on all of this. I started to go downhill and head to a place I didn’t want to be.

I’ve written a post about all my feelings which is currently in draft. I will publish soon though as I feel it’s important to share my feelings and try and help others who might feel the same way. The worst part is the guilt I felt for feeling this way because of all the years we’d be trying and because of all the many couples I know who are still trying.

But I’ll stop focusing on the rubbish bits now. I’ve become a mum for the second time and that overrules all of the bad stuff. Despite all the tears, the laughter, smiles and love have all made 2017 worth every single second.