All the Feelings of a Miscarriage
Nothing in life has ever come easy to me; education, growing up, relationships, work. As the years have gone by I’ve come to look at them all as challenges putting me to the test rather than life being unfair to me. They were testing my resolve, my strength. But, as another disappointment strikes this week, I have started to lose just a tiny bit of that resolve and strength. I wonder how far life wants to put me to the test. What for and why?
I woke at 5am today – just like I have for over the past two weeks. The first 14 days were because I had needed a wee for the third time during the night. The last two mornings has been for a different reason. Stark, cold reality hits me and the sadness overwhelms me. The headache starts and the tears come again. I’m surprised I have any left. It reminds me of the feelings of a miscarriage – but it is not.
Ross was as shocked as I with the blunt sound of the doctors voice on Tuesday afternoon. HCG count less than one she said. We had rung twice to chase, both of us too excited to focus on work. This excitement turned to despair, anger, resentment and sadness as soon as we heard the news.
We rang our clinic in Cyprus. The one where, exactly two weeks before, they had transplanted 4 tiny embryos into my womb. Two boys and two girls. They told us there was a 1% chance of quads but we would be happy with just one. They were as shocked as we were to hear the news. How could this be? I’d been displaying all the symptoms – the sore breasts, the tiredness, even the implantation cramps – but yet again my body had been playing the cruellest trick of nature on us.
Anyone who has been through fertility treatment will know the relentless rounds of medication – injections, pills, pessaries. Since returning from Cyprus I’ve had 8 alarms per day set on my phone to remind me, along with the constant verbal reminders from Ross. It was all going to be worth it was what we kept telling ourselves. Ross had started to become a complete pro at injecting and we said that he had missed his vocation in life as a doctor.
And what of Ross? This man has been a complete rock. I have never known kindness like it. Caring for me every step of the way. Telling the flight staff on the plane home that he wanted me boarded with the disabled passengers so I wouldn’t get knocked, making me rest, looking after me on our return – especially when, in response to my email saying that the embryo transfer had gone well, the health retreat I worked for got rid of me causing unnecessary stress. He has made sure I got plenty of rest, taking on all the household chores and doing the school runs as well as all the cooking. Putting up with all the mood swings. Each evening, when we went to bed he would say ‘night night babies’ and I would respond with a ‘night night daddy’. Now, just like me, he is so very, very sad.
My poetry and my photography are helping me through, along with Ross and Grace. This sadness won’t last though. It’s another moment in time. Another challenge we have to face head on and overcome. Determined that this won’t beat us and that we will get what we dearly want.
What I will say though is if you have children please take that responsibility seriously. Know how lucky you are. Teach them self respect. Get them dressed every day and help them understand cleanliness. Help them to speak properly, learn manners and empathise with others whilst making sure that they stand up for themselves. Help them see that even though some have it better, there are lots who have it much worse. Help them see when enough really is enough and that no one has the right to feel bad for having an opinion. Don’t make them the centre of your universe but don’t ignore them either. I see so many young people without any life experience giving birth to children. Getting pregnant so easily and then saying they don’t really want them. Being a parent is the hardest, most rewarding job in the world and I see so many complain about it. People do it the world over, and there are so many who are not as privileged as those who are reading this, those in third world countries who still manage to do it with a smile on their face and love in their hearts. Please want your children and love them all you can.
Finally, to all the men out there who treat the mothers of their children so appallingly – and I know a few – I despise you. I don’t care how you are related to me, I want nothing more to do with you. I see what Ross goes though every day, how he wants what you have. You don’t know how lucky you are. Learn some respect for what you have and for what this woman has given you.
Vicky I am so sorry to read this. I’ve been watching your conception vlogs and had everything crossed for you and your darling man. Thinking of you both xx
Thank you so much Emma, we really do appreciate your support x
Oh I am so sorry that this has happened. Sending love and light to you and yours in this dark time.
Thank you so much Cara x
Oh Vic. I’m so very sorry. Sending lots of love xxxx
Thank you Leigh xx
Oh Vicky I am so sorry, I was so sad to read this. I’m glad you have such a caring man in Ross and that he’s been taking care of you. *Hugs*
Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo
Thank you Morgan x
I can feel the sadness through your words here. I know what you mean when you said photography and words and your family helps a lot. I have been there, or I am still there in that dark place. But I know that what you are experiencing is different in so many levels. I dont know what to say to make things better .. i know though that trying to hold on to hope no matter how small they are helps. I am still holding on to mine even if its just a flicker.
Sending you hugs. I still remember the one that you gave me before. It meant a lot to me then and now. I hope mine would help even if its a virtual one.
Thank you so much Merlinda, there is such kindness in your words. I really do appreciate it xx
Oh darling. I’m so sad reading this and hearing of your struggles. It breaks my heart that someone so kind and loving is having such a tough time. BUT I truly believe that things happen for a reason. One day you will look back and all this sadness will have evolved into great happiness. I’m sure of it. Stay strong and keep believing xxxxx
Thank you so much Vicki, what a really lovely supportive comment. We will xx
I am sorry to hear what has happened to you both. I can kind of understand your struggle as I had 3 miscarriages before finally haveing our baby girl who is 6 weeks old. Don’t give up on your dream. I wish you all the luck xx
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Thank you Rachel. I am so happy for you xx
No words, just love, prayers and hope xx
Thank you Jo xx
I am so incredibly sorry Vicky, I have no words, and this is so terribly unfair. Sending love and strength to you and Ross x
Thank you so much Sara xx
Oh my love, I’m sending you all so much love and strength to get through this. I do not know why life is putting you through this, you don’t deserve it, none of you. *big hugs*
Thank you so much Liv xx
I am so sorry to read this…I wish I had some words but nothing feels like enough. Just so very, truly sorry.
Thank you so much Jenn xx
So so sorry to hear that yours and Ross’ dreams have been shattered again. Hope that having the 3 of you close together helps ease the pain some.
Thank you Emma xx
Shit. This is so sad. I’m so sorry for you all and I feel angry and frustrated on your behalf. Massive hugs lady and sending you loads of strength xxxx
Thank you so much Alison – will draw on that xx
I am so sorry that it didn’t work out this time, I don’t have anything helpful to say but thinking of you all x
Thank you Bex xx
Oh Victoria, I am so sorry that the treatment hasn’t worked on this occasion. Sending all my thoughts and prayers your way xxx
Thank you so much Kara xx
I had a bit of cry when I read this on the bus this morning Vicky. I’m so sorry that the procedure hasn’t worked out for you. Ross is an amazing guy – clearly such a lovely person. Everything you say puts parenthood into a lot of perspective. Thinking of you all Xx
So sorry I made you cry Sam. Thank you so much for your lovely words of support. I am so glad it does xx
Crying for you reading this! I’m so sorry lovley. What an open and honest post. You are strong and will get through. All of you together x
Thank you so much Jo, sorry it made you cry xx
Oh I just don’t know what to say. Our bodies can play such cruel tricks and it just isn’t fair that it has happened to you like this. Sending love and strength to you both. xxx
Thank you so much Katy. They really can xx
Ohh bless you sweetheart, I’m so very sorry it didn’t work on this occasion. I’ll be sure to keep you all in my prayers. Mich x
Thank you so much Mich, I really appreciate this xx
Hi Victoria, I am so sorry to hear that your recent treatment hasn’t worked. I feel sick for you. I don’t know what to say except that I’m sending you and Ross big hugs and I hope that one day you get your wish.
xx
Thank you so much Debbie xx
Oh Vicky, I am so sorry to read this, I was so hopeful for you and Ross with this cycle 🙁 Be gentle to yourselves, allow time to grieve and recover.
Thank you so very much Ruth, I think we are realising that today xx
Biggest hugs xxx ever my lovely
Thank you so much xx
Oh Vicky, I’m so sorry to read this. I’m so glad you have the support of Ross who sounds like he is doing an amazing job of looking after you.
I’m sending you love & strength xx
Thank you Becky. He is truly wonderful xx
Not fair, Vicky, so not fair. You guys so deserved this, good news, a new baby and happiness. But life is shit and never acts fair. Hugs.xx
Thank you Oana. I know how much you have been through so I really appreciate your comments and support. Big hugs back xx
Oh Vicky, I am so, so sorry to read this. Thinking of you all and sending love and virtual hugs your way xx
Thank you so much Louise xx
Vicky and Ross there are no word to say apart from I am so sorry to read this heart breaking news. My thoughts are with you all, send hugs xx
I’m so sorry Vicky for all of you. Thinking of you. X
Thank you Nova xx
I am so sorry to hear that. I am sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx
Thank you Susan xx
Oh Vicky 🙁
I was so very sure it was your time to have good news. My heart is breaking for you both and I thank God for you that you have a good man like Ross xox
Me too Lisa. Thank you so much for your support – and I totally agree xx
So sorry to read this beautiful post with a very important message. Sending love xx
Thank you so much Nicole xx
Oh Vicky, I am so sorry. I don’t have any words, but am send you, Ross and Grace much love xxx
Thank you Kiran xx
Gorgeous lady, life really can be so bloody unfair! There are no words at all, but know that you are loved and respected by many. Wishing only good things come your way from now on. Huge hugs xxx
It can, and I know how much you know that. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your lovely words xx
Oh Vicky I don’t have any words that will help, but know that I’ve been thinking of you, Ross and Grace every day in the hope of different news and I’m heartbroken for you. Parenthood is indeed an honour and I certainly hold Toby closer, longer, in the knowledge of how blessed I am to have him. Sending you all the love and strength in the world xxx
What a lovely comment, thank you so much Hannah xx
Really sorry to read this, it is horribly unfair. Sending my love x
Thank you so much x
So sorry to hear your news. Will be thinking of you all.
Thank you Antonia xx
I’m so so sorry to read this Vicky. I am sending you so much love, even though by the sounds of it you are surrounded by it. X
Thank you Katie xx
Oh Vicky. Much love. xxx
Thank you Maddy xx
I am gutted for you. So, so sorry guys xxx
Thank you Jenny xx
Dearest Vicky – my heart and soul go to you, Ross and of course Grace. You are right – too many have children under the assumption of the job in hand being an easy one – correction, it is the hardest job yet the most stimulating, rewarding vocation I have ever had the pleasure of embarking upon. Parenthood is an adventure that cannot be taken lightly! May ALL your dreams and wishes come to fruition.
My love xx
What a truly lovely comment – and from a non-blogger. Thank you so much Ruth xx
I have no words Victoria I am so sorry for your loss, this is beautifully written
Thank you so much Karen xx
I’m so sorry to read this. I know just how much you and Ross want a child of your own and what good parents you would make. Life can be so unfair. Thinking of you all. x
Thank you so much Sarah xx
Thinking of you and Ross….I am so sorry.
Sending love and hugs x
Thank you Kim xx
I’m so sorry, I’d hoped that you’d both be successful and I’m gutted for you all.
Life isn’t fair sometimes. Xx
Thank you Jeannette xx
I’m very very sorry to read this and sending you love and strength
Thank you Louise xx
oh Vic I am so so sorry. There are little words I can offer but know that I am thinking of you all.
Thank you Emma xx
Oh darling. I’m sending you such a gentle cuddle. Crying for you. xxxxx
Thank you Rachael xx
Nature can be so very cruel. Thinking of you Xxx
It can. Thank you Louise xx
I’m so sorry to hear this. Glad you have Ross and Grace with you every step of the way. You have penned down so eloquently what we as parents should be thankful for. Hugs Victoria. xx
Thank you so much Jacinta xx
There are no words, but I’d give you a big hug if I could, even though I know that wouldn’t help at all. Life can be so sodding cruel xx
Thank you so much Mary xx