For the first guest post this week, I would like to introduce Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes. She has appropriately written a tongue-in-cheek post on 10 Ways to Bring on Labour – although I am hoping, at this stage, I won’t need any of them! Take it away Claire…
Fed up? Fit to burst? Can’t remember what it feels like to be able to bend in the middle? Peed 25 times already today and it’s only 10 O’clock in the morning? Ready to smack the next person who asks “haven’t you had that baby yet” in the face?
I feel your pain mamma. I know you’ve already googled ‘ways to bring on labour,’ and at this point you are willing to try pretty much anything, so here is my lowdown on ways to bring on labour:
If there’s one thing you are not going to feel when you are 9 months pregnant its amorous. Or sexy for that matter. All your thoughts are about what is coming out of there, not what is going in. Chances are your husband has felt the brunt of your crazy hormonal mood swings, and is not really in the mood after you yelled at him for buying the wrong ice cream flavour. You wanted slated caramel, not caramel damn it. Put it this way, having sex to get the baby in there is a lot more fun than having sex to get the baby out.
Pineapple contains the enzyme bromelain which is said to soften the cervix in preparation for labour. You have to eat large amounts of pineapple for it to work. What quantifies as a large amount of pineapple? Half a pineapple? A whole pineapple? Two whole pineapples? No. Seven apparently. Seven whole friggin pineapples. What is this Man Vs Food? Have you seen the size of my belly? There’s no room for seven pineapples in there.
3 Hot Curry
Spicy foods are said to stimulate the tummy and the womb. But don’t forget it can stimulate other occurrences down there too! But hey, what’s a bit of Deli Belly when you spend most of your time waddling to the bathroom to pee anyway. Give it a go, it might be your last hot meal for a while.
The pressure of your baby’s head pushes down on the cervix and releases oxytocin, a hormone that can cause contractions to start. Of course, if you are overdue chances are your baby’s head is engaged and walking with a head very literally between your legs is easier said then done. Off you waddle now.
5 Caster Oil
It acts as a laxative and stimulates your tummy and womb. As if you weren’t already worried enough about shitting yourself during labour. Also, not recommended by the professionals. You know, the ones down the business end.
6 Nipple Stimulation
Said to release more of that oxytocin hormone that your body seems to be unwilling to produce of its own accord. So if you are bored of daytime TV go ahead, have a tweak! Although your far more likely to be horrified by the sight of your swollen, veiny boobs and wonder if your nipples are always going to be this big.
There’s a theory that blowing up balloons builds pressure in your abdomen and kick starts labour. Whoever came up with that theory has obviously never been 10 days overdue, and huffing and puffing after the short walk to the bathroom (yes to pee, again). And what are you supposed to do with all the effing balloons?
8 Birthing Ball
Bounce away, you never know it might shake things up a bit. Or You’ll just stimulate your already way over stimulated bladder and pee your pants in the process.
9 Best Knickers
It is said to be sods law that if you are wearing your best knickers your waters will break. That’s if you can bend down in the first place to get them on, and that they still fit over your expanded arse.
Sit back, relax and ignore all
annoying well meaning phone calls. Do all the things that you won’t be able to do for quite some time. Paint your nails (not the toenails obviously as you haven’t seen your feet for 2 months now). Read a book. Drink a hot cup of tea. Eat chocolate whilst you can still use the ‘eating for two’ excuse. Your precious little bundle of joy won’t stay in there forever. Even though at some point in the not to distant future you will be screaming for the gas and air and begging them to stay inside.
Thanks to my friend Mandy for allowing me to use her image of her pregnant belly. Not only did she grow that beautiful bump, but she painted the picture too.
My babies were 10 days and 7 days overdue. Every day overdue feels like a week!
Did anything work for you or is it all just old wives tales?
About the Author:
Claire Kirby writes Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, an award nominated blog full of tales and observations about parenting, and life with small people. Find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.