Our darling boy,
One day, thanks to all the vlogs I have recorded and posts I have published on this blog, you will understand just how much we have been through to have you. How much we love and want you in our lives and, personally, I wouldn’t change a single moment of what we have had to do. I believe that the journeys in your life are meant to be travelled so that you can continue to learn from them as they shape the person you continue to become. They test your resolve and your strength and, in the case of me and your father, the strength of a relationship. Plus, I believe that it makes our love for you that much stronger – if that is at all possible.
We have shared the whole journey with your sister. We believe that this has strengthened the bond she has with you. She is about to have the facts of life taught to her at school and so, to preempt this, she asked that I talked about it with her first – which I did on Monday. She now better understands how you came to be. You mean so much to her and even though you don’t share the same genes, you share the same epigenetics thanks to the fact that you have both had a place in my womb – and, to her, that makes you her brother.
When your daddy and I first started to discuss the possibility of going down the egg donor route, I felt like a failure. My eggs were unhealthy. Not just due to age but also because of the chromosomal abnormality carried in our family genes. On top of that my AMH (anti-Müllerian hormone) measured less than 5. This meant that if we went for IVF using my eggs we only had a 20% chance of success. The cards were stacked against us.
After much soul-searching, lots of tearful discussions, reading articles and talking to specialists, I had a much better understanding of how egg donation would work. I came to terms with our options and had a good understanding of how epigentics would play a part in your growth inside my body. I am lucky. If your father had been infertile then he would never have the opportunity to get close to you, to nourish you and carry you like I do. We are forming the mother/son bond, you and me, and I am loving every moment of it. I keep telling you to take what you need from me and I will bear the load. I already love being your mummy.
One of the things that worries me a little is that we opted for an anonymous donor. There are a number of reasons for this. One of them is because we went abroad for treatment. In Spain it is the law that they remain anonymous. It they are happy to go with this, then, so are we. Also, I have been through so much harassment and hassle having your sister’s father in my life, I just didn’t want any more. I hope one day that we can explain this to you properly and that you will understand. Your daddy and I have learnt from experience that family isn’t about blood or genetics, it is about love, support and understanding and being there for each other.
I have been keeping a diary of my pregnancy. This was something I never really had a chance to do with your sister – and what I did write was always full of sadness. I am so lucky to have another chance to really enjoy pregnancy, to share the experience with your daddy and for him to enjoy it too. There is also the added bonus of having your sister getting excited, asking lots and lots of questions and kissing my tummy every single day.
Today we are going to have our 28 week scan (even though I am just over 26 weeks pregnant) and we are looking forward to seeing you again. We can’t believe that it is less than 14 weeks until you are in our lives in person and we can start to watch you as you grow. We are so excited – and you are really going to love being part of the WWW family and the fourth musketeer!
I can feel you kicking as I type this – and I couldn’t be happier, it is one of my favourite things and, thanks to my Kicks Count app, I monitor your routine every day. I don’t care about the 4am kickboxing tournaments that you seem to enjoy. don’t care about the snoring and the hormonal outbursts, the swollen legs and feet and the weight gain. I don’t care about feeling so tired that I regularly fall asleep after tea. The fact that I can just feel you there never fails to make me feel grateful that, after 4 years, all our dreams are coming true. Daddy, Grace and I always knew that we needed one more to cement our family and there is a space on our sofa reserved just for you sweetheart.
All my love, mummy xxx