This afternoon I have been sitting here trying to work with an almighty pain in both my left ankle and left ovary. Nothing new there as this is something that has been bugging me for the last couple of years now, however, when everything else is overwhelming and you are feeling a mixture of tired, emotional, angry and frustrated and add it into the mix of trying to make sure everything is up to date before we leave for Spain and the fact that, even though you shouldn’t, you feel an immense amount of pressure on you because you want it to work this time, then it is pretty understandable that you start to come across as a crazy lady.
I am now on my second month of medication ahead of our fertility treatment with IVF Spain. The first was a mock cycle to see how my body responded. I am taking a pill called Progynova and, if you look it up, it is basically hormone replacement treatment. I am taking 3 a day so you can imagine that the dosage is pretty big. I am pleased to say that my body responded well the first month and the clinic are happy for me to continue with everything I did in the mock cycle ready for our transfer in a few weeks. However, my emotions are in complete and utter overdrive. To the point where I don’t know whether I want to smack someone in the face or sit and cry and eat chocolate for the whole afternoon ( the latter is just NOT going to happen though because I am determined to get to my BMI before we go!).
This afternoon I am all over the place. I know I have a list of things to do – but I can’t get my head into them. I know that I need to stop worrying – but I can’t. Even writing this blog post I feel like I am going round and round in circles with my head up my backside! I have left the house twice this afternoon – after taking my mood out on Ross – and driven around the block in a bid to prevent myself from throwing or punching anything, hoping the feelings would go away. They didn’t. Even sitting here writing this post, I am wondering why on earth I am writing this all down when I will only feel like this again in half an hour! I’ve even been chasing invoices for one of my clients this afternoon and trying hard not to sound like a fire-breathing dragon over the phone!
Grace came home from school just as I was leaving for my second drive and then poor Ross and Grace were sitting on the stairs when I got back. They quickly got out of my way when I came upstairs and then I went to the bedroom and just sat and cried. Grace, bless her, came in and put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look.
After Grace gave him the all-clear, Ross came upstairs and – after a bit of confusion – he realised that it was my emotions playing havoc with me. He picked up my packet of tablets and explained to Grace that these were basically sending me crazy. They were reacting with me like puberty was going to with her. She got it. Then, he showed her exactly what he meant. He asked Grace to smack him on the arm and he would react without the tablets. He shrugged it off. Then they repeated this with the tablets. He completely overreacted and stomped out of the room. He got it. So did Grace. And so did I. It also helped us to laugh at the whole thing.
I am realistic enough to know that ‘this too shall pass’ (one of my favourite sayings) but then I guess (hopefully) I will move on to crazy pregnant lady. Bring it on!
With thanks to Ross and Grace for being the most supportive family ever!