Over the weekend I nearly sat down to write a post about my paranoia on people talking about me my behind my back and caring too much about what people think of me. Then I got side-tracked and busy and so I forgot – so I guess it can’t really matter that much!
I find it hard to make friends. For one reason or another, my trust issues come back to haunt me and I find it hard to really become close to someone. Over recent years, when I have formed a friendship, I have found that when something happens to shake the relationship, I am not sure how to cope. I find it can upset me for a very long time. If I believe I have made a mistake then I apologise but some people just don’t take sorry for an answer. I also apologise even if I believe I haven’t done anything wrong because I don’t like bad feeling. I try to smooth the ground over if there is sarcasm or with people who are jealous or snarky. In my opinion, you should be able to live and let live. Get on with one another. Know how to apologise as well as know how to forgive. Genuine mistakes are made and they aren’t always done on purpose. The trouble with all of this is that then you get walked on, so you can’t really win!
I regularly wonder whether it is me who has the issue or if I just go about choosing the wrong people! Either way, I am at an age now where I really can’t be arsed with childish games of he said/she said, back-stabbing and bitchiness. It is far easier to walk away and ignore it – although, at times, my moments of self-doubt do creep in again.
I am pleased to say that I am not experiencing any of these issues right now! I just used it as the inspiration for this week’s poem.
Uncertainty. How do you see me?
Are you just nice to my face?
Or are these niceties, the things I see,
Just something that has been displaced?
Because the backstabbers, attention-grabbers
I’m really not down with those
But if that is just you, and that’s what you do
There is nothing I can do I suppose
Offered the olive branch, tried to re-start the dance
I apologised for my part
It wasn’t enough, to get through your stuff
You really don’t have any heart
Live, and let live
Not just take, but give
I know I have done my best
But when you carry on, singing that song
I find it hard to get any rest
Victoria Welton 7th September 2016