Introducing The Conception Diaries

I have always known that I wanted children. Maybe not as many as my mum had, but I definitely wanted at least 2. As I approached my mid-thirties, I gave my partner at the time an ultimatum. Either have children with me or I will have to find someone else who does want them. By that point we had been together for 10 years and, despite an engagement ring after 3 years, there was no sign of marriage. I recall one incident where someone asked him in a pub why he didn’t he marry me, he replied by saying that if I threatened to walk out then he would. Ultimatums really don’t work!

Choosing the wrong man for me does mean that I had Grace though, and I would never be without her. However, when it came to finding someone new for me, it had to be the right person for both me and for Grace. I wasn’t going to accept that man if Grace and he didn’t get on.

Ross came into my life at a time when I had accepted who I was and that I was happy to be on my own. The best way to be, I believe. I was independent and had started to carve out a life for Grace and I. I wanted someone who added to that – not took over or took away from what I had achieved.

Both Ross and I were apprehensive when we first started to date. His concern was that I had Grace. My concern was that I had Grace! We both agreed to date and make sure we were happy with each other before we introduced him to my daughter. Now, of course, they are the best of friends – and sometimes I am the one who feels like the odd one out!

Just over two years into our relationship we moved to Somerset. We knew we were very happy together and, partly because we were both getting on in years (!), we both knew we wanted a family together and decided to start trying for a baby. We were very surprised at how quickly I got pregnant. However, it wasn’t to be and just two short weeks later I miscarried. I spent the following year on a downward spiral, putting on weight and feeling so unhappy but when the year anniversary of the loss arrived – the day one of my sisters told me that she was expecting my nephew – I decided to turn things around. I got myself back into a positive mind-set, lost weight and was ready again for what life threw at me.

Then, in December 2014, I got pregnant again but, less than two weeks, I miscarried again. I was thankful though. It turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy which was self-aborting so I didn’t need any surgery. I was determined. I knew I could still get pregnant and that was a relief to me. 

In January last year, Ross had a semenology test and found out that everything was in working order. I then attended a meeting with a specialist at Yeovil hospital to discuss my fertility. They concluded that I was experiencing unexplained infertility. I had an AMH test carried out which showed that my egg levels were less than 5 (a healthy woman has around 15 to 30). This meant that if my levels had been over 5 then we would have had a 50% chance of success at IVF. With my levels as they are, we only have a 20% chance. Too high a gamble for us to make.

On top of the fact that I have a depleting supply of eggs, I also have endometriosis on the left ligament supporting my womb and I have a balanced translocation of my chromosomes which means a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage. The odds really are stacked against us.

I have previously written about my second miscarriage in a post called ‘Baby Loss is a Bitch‘ and I have written about my thoughts on my infertility in ‘Can I Claim to Be Infertile’

As a result of all of this, Ross and I have come to a decision. We have decided to go for a different kind of treatment. Egg donation. Since September I have been recording my thoughts and feelings and details of our decisions in a series of vlogs – which I am still recording – and I have decided to start publishing them this weekend. Because they are historic, the feelings won’t be as raw as they were when it happened. There are some where I get upset (I am pleased to say that I am past that stage!) and some where I waffle on a bit but I believe that anyone who may be on a similar journey will  get some comfort from the fact that they are not alone.

It now looks like we will be going for our treatment towards the end of February. I will be vlogging from there too! So I hope it will give more couples an insight of what a actually happens and I am pleased to say that our clinic are on board with this.

Don’t miss a vlog – subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

I hope you will join me xx

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51 Comments

  1. January 23, 2016 / 9:52 am

    I actually registered to be an egg donor not long ago. I plan to proceed with it towards the end of the year. I obviously can’t right now. I remember you talking to me about how much you wanted another baby and I’m so sorry to read that you’ve had two miscarriages. I’ve also had a couple of miscarriages and an ectopic which required surgery. I know the pain they bring. I wish you all the best of luck on your conception journey and I look forward to learning more about the other side of egg donation. Xx
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  2. January 19, 2016 / 8:22 pm

    OH Vic you know my thoughts already on this amazing journey you are about to experience and I wish you all the best for you and ross and grace. I also wish you all the best in your treatment and journey I can’t wait to watch all your videos. I think it’s great you are opening up and sharing all these vlogs for so many that may not know they have this option too or that they may be going through it and not feel alone. You are strong, brave and amazing. You know I love you to pieces. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

  3. January 19, 2016 / 2:24 pm

    What a brave thing to do Vicky! I’m so glad you’re in a good place and that you are able to share your story with others. I hope it helps others see they are not alone. xx Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo

  4. January 18, 2016 / 10:36 pm

    Wishing you all the best Vicky, and I look forward to following this series – it’s a brave thing to share and I know you’ll be an inspiration for others facing a similar situation. Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo xx

  5. January 18, 2016 / 10:53 am

    Good luck with your latest joruney, Vicky, and it’s so brave of you to share it.

    Although our story had a happy ending with three beautiful, healthy kids, we experienced our heartbreak up front, with three miscarriages and it taking five years of trying before we finally conceived, while all our friends were having babies seemingly effortlessly. We had our share of dark days but it really did bring home to us how precious our children are. A cliche, I know, but true.

  6. Nicole (The Brightness Of These Days)
    January 16, 2016 / 8:45 pm

    I am awed and inspired by your honesty and bravery. Wishing you so much luck and will be following your journey xx
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  7. January 15, 2016 / 9:28 pm

    I wish you all the luck in the world :).

  8. January 15, 2016 / 8:55 pm

    Aaah Victoria β€” this is a subject close to my own heart. My boy and I tried for 7 years to conceive β€” we had two losses due to poor egg quality β€” plus 3 rounds of IVF β€” and so nearly went down the donor route. I wanted to give IVF another shot, with my own eggs, before we did. And our twins were the miraculous outcome. I was 40 when I had them.

    I would LOVE another child now β€” I have a frozen embryo β€” but if that didn’t work, we would use a donor, no question. I did all my soul searching with regards to donor egg treatment before I had the boys and had fully accepted that that was the route we were going to take. A mother isn’t the person who provides the eggs, after all. Plus I read lots and lots about epigenetics β€” if you haven’t read anything about that, I urge you to. Very, very interesting and makes you realise that there’s an awful lot more to it. Donor treatment is SUCH a new science and the body works in very mysterious ways! Sadly we don’t have the money for any more treatment, at the moment, so it looks like it’s out of the question but I’ll never say never!! Good luck on your journey. If ever you need someone to chat to, I am like an encyclopedia on the subject!! Would be happy to lend an ear and a virtual hug xx
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  9. January 15, 2016 / 5:29 pm

    Wishing you all the best of luck with your fertility journey Vicky and I really hope that egg donation will work out for you – I know a few people who have had children as a result of egg donation and it is wonderful that this is something which is available to help women conceive. I am sure that sharing your story will help other women on similar journeys and I so hope that you and Ross will get to hold a new baby in your arms one day x

  10. January 15, 2016 / 9:58 am

    I wish you lots of luck with this. It is very brave of you to share: too few people are honest about this.

  11. Laura
    January 14, 2016 / 11:41 pm

    I found this post very interesting and I don’t know much about egg donation but I really hope it goes well for you and I will be looking forward to seeing your vlogs. I have a really positive feeling about this and have my fingers crossed for you both

    Laura x

  12. January 13, 2016 / 11:05 pm

    The very best of best luck on your journey x

  13. January 13, 2016 / 9:20 pm

    This was a really interesting post to read Vic – even from the outside looking in – because I think it’s all too easy to take fertility for granted but it is something which can make you seem so out of control of your life – it’s not like starting a business and just willing it into existence on a wing and a prayer – it is totally out of your hands. I’m so glad to hear that you have potentially found a solution that might work for you guys via egg transplant and I absolutely wish you every success and look forward to reading about what happens next. And thanks so much for linking up to #thetruthabout
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    • January 13, 2016 / 11:05 pm

      I am so glad you think so Sam. It really is something I took very much for granted and I completely agree with you. Thank you so much xx
      Victoria recently posted..Go WestMy Profile

  14. January 13, 2016 / 7:13 pm

    Wishing you lots of luck Vic and I hope that we will be hearing some happy news one day soon. I think you are ever so brave to be vlogging and writing about this, I have no doubt you will be helping others by discussing this.. x

    • January 13, 2016 / 9:03 pm

      Aww, thank you Katie. It isn’t easy but I found the lack of information so frustrating that I needed to do something! x
      Victoria recently posted..Go WestMy Profile

  15. January 13, 2016 / 2:40 pm

    Good luck to you! I really hope it works out. You all deserve some luck and I know you and Ross would make great parents and Grace will make a brilliant big sister!

    • January 13, 2016 / 9:02 pm

      Thank you so much Sarah – we are really looking forward to it all. Grace certainly will – she keeps asking when it is going to happen x
      Victoria recently posted..Go WestMy Profile

  16. January 13, 2016 / 10:48 am

    Good luck with your next stage of treatment. We were very fortunate that we had no struggles so I can only imagine what emotions you go through – and even then, can I REALLY imagine? I doubt it. Wishing you every luck with the egg donation – will be following with interest x

  17. January 13, 2016 / 10:30 am

    So much love and luck to you, and to your lovely Ross and Grace. I’ll be crossing everything for you. Huge cuddle xxxx

  18. January 12, 2016 / 8:12 pm

    Wishing you the best of luck on your journey. My mummy (Dawn) suffers from endometriosis and it took her 3 years to conceive (just as she was about to start IVF) if you ever need someone to talk to, just let her know x
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  19. January 12, 2016 / 6:30 pm

    Wishing you so much luck Vicky, I truly hope that this works for you. I’m so glad that you’ve found a way forward that both you and Ross are happy with, you both deserve this to work. Sending lots of love and strength your way xx
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  20. January 12, 2016 / 4:07 pm

    Well done Vic, this is a very brave step and I am sure will help many others in a similar situation to you. I really do wish you and Ross all the very best. You were clearly made for each other and he so obviously adores Grace. You deserve every happiness. Happy thoughts and prayers coming your way. x x PS Love the new look on your blog. Haven’t visit for a while.
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  21. January 12, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    My brother and sister in law had their children via egg donation. Good luck Vickie. I hope all works out for you

  22. January 12, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    Vic I can’t tell you how much I hope this works for you. You are such a lovely person and you deserve to be happy. I should imagine there’s quite an uncertain journey ahead of you now, but I hope it’s one that leads you to a happy ending. You’re also incredibly thoughtful to do video diaries with others in mind when you’re not having an easy time of it yourself xxx

    • January 12, 2016 / 4:25 pm

      What lovely words, thank you so much Karen. It is a journey but I think it will be an exciting one πŸ™‚ I had to do something to help others too – there isn’t much out there and I have felt it hard to get any good information xx
      Victoria recently posted..Introducing The Conception DiariesMy Profile

  23. January 12, 2016 / 1:42 pm

    Wishing you loads of luck with it all lovely lady. You are such a gorgeous family already but it’d be nice to add to it. Fingers tightly crossed! xx
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  24. January 12, 2016 / 1:35 pm

    I cannot begin to understand what you are going through but I am sincerely hope that this treatment works as you both are such wonderful parents to Grace!

  25. Louisa
    January 12, 2016 / 1:22 pm

    I’m glad you’ve come to a decision that you are both happy with. I think egg donation is a wonderful thing. I understand the heartache of secondary infertility all too well. I lost 3 babies in an 18 month period before we had our youngest, she is a joy but the times before we had her were very dark days. I really wish you all the very best, you and Ross are marvelous parents and deserve every inch of happiness x

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