Baby loss is a bitch.

I don’t know any man in the world more deserving of the title ‘Dad’ than Ross. His love and care for Grace is wonderful beyond belief. It takes a strong man to bring up another man’s child and treat her as if she were his own. He takes her to and picks her up from school, comes to parents evenings, school plays and church services and even pays for her – and takes her to and from – her piano lessons. He is a good and special man. That is why I feel anger and disappointment for him as baby loss hits us for the second time in just over a year.

It was October last year that we lost our first. I was pregnant at the MAD Blog awards 2013. I didn’t realise it. I had my suspicions and did a pregnancy test which was negative. I wanted to make sure I could drink! The following Thursday, and the test was positive. Ross and I were shocked. We didn’t think it would happen so soon. For one glorious week we revelled in the fact we were going to be parents. Then the following Thursday our world came crashing down. The miscarriage started. The bottom of my world fell out and ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay became my song. I believe that this all lead to my frozen shoulder and so many difficulties between Ross and I as we grieved in our own ways and started to try again in vain over the past year.

It is hard not to become obsessive when all you want is a baby. You see announcements every where and start to wonder why it is not happening to you and what you have done wrong so much as to not deserve it.  You get annoyed when people complain about their pregnancy or their kids because you so want to be in that position yourself. Ross quite rightly asks me on a regular basis why men, who don’t deserve to be parents, seem to be given the gift of offspring when he works hard, looks after another mans child and is a decent, law-abiding person who would love a baby of his own. Not only have I seen how he is with Grace, I have seen him play and laugh and mess around with my nieces and nephews. The kids at Grace’s school all seem to know him and mess around with him too!

This time it felt different. We had agreed not to try any more until after Christmas. We wanted to get ourselves fit and healthy. We both started juicing adding more vegetables and fruit into our diet as well as exercising and we both lost over a stone. We were ‘in training’ ready for next year. So, when I started to feel the signs 2 weeks ago, we started to feel excited once again for what might just be. This time it would work. This time we could believe. We put off a pregnancy test for as long as we could but at 4.30am on Wednesday 3rd December, I couldn’t hold off any longer. ‘Pregnant’ showed up before the egg timer had even stopped turning. This one was strong. It had to be ‘our time’. It didn’t even matter that that same day, Grace’s father sent us a letter threatening us with court. I was going to fight to make sure that Grace’s voice was heard and that I protected our new baby.

Grace – who didn’t know – had even said to me one morning as we walked to school that all she really wanted for Christmas was for me to tell her that she was having a brother or sister. I was bursting. I wanted to tell her that it might just be. Then, last Friday, when Ross was out at a gig with his band, Grace and I had a girly evening together. We watched ‘Nativity’ and had a lovely dinner followed by ice cream with chocolate sauce. As we lay on the sofa, Grace rubbed my tummy and said ‘come on mummy’s tummy. Make a baby’.

It did. For less than one happy week. We we went to Wookey Hole on Sunday to visit Santa. There were people in the queues with young babies and there was a sparkle in Ross’ eyes as he looked at them and mouthed to me ‘that will be us next year’. Then, as we arrived home on Sunday night something felt wrong. There was a small amount of blood. There was a slight cramping pain. Ross insisted I put my feet up and he would sort the roast dinner.

As the evening progressed I increasingly knew that something was amiss so on Monday morning, after Ross had dropped Grace at school, we set off for A&E at Yeovil Hospital. This time I wasn’t taking any chances. We were seen by the medical staff quite quickly who took fluids from my body and left me to wait for the gynaecological department. We were getting concerned by 1pm because we were worried we wouldn’t be back for Grace but finally the doctor spoke to us. He explained that my hcg levels were low. It could be a miscarriage or an ectopic or healthy pregnancy. As we were preparing to leave, the lady who had taken my blood pressure (who looked just like Tanya from Mummy Barrow) said that she hoped everything would be OK and, as I told her that Ross was such a good dad to my daughter and he deserved to have one of his own, she had tears in her eyes as she said goodbye and wished us well.

I came home and went back to bed whilst Ross continued to keep everything together. Grace got home and came to find me in the bath with a bandage on my hand where they had taken out the cannula. Grace was worried and I had to tell her that I had been to hospital for a bad tummy but that I would be OK. What else could I say to a girl of nearly 8 who sort of knew what the world was about but wasn’t yet ready to understand the full implications of adulthood. We sat on the sofa and ate burgers and watched ‘The Return of the King’ (we had been making our way through the Lord of the Rings trilogy yet again). As ‘Into the West’ came on at the end, Ross, Grace and I held each other close as I dissolved into floods of tears.

We went back to hospital yesterday morning. We were there for far longer than we had anticipated as we were only expecting a blood test, a result and a goodbye. This wasn’t to be. They took my blood and then decided they wanted to do a scan as well. We had to wait for nearly two hours for this. Finally we went in and the Sonographer couldn’t find anything externally so decided to do an internal scan. This not only found that my endometriosis had started to raise it’s ugly head again but it also found a mass that appeared to be an ectopic pregnancy. There was some free fluid in my pelvis which contained some echogenic debris.

We returned back up to the second floor of the EPAC unit and waited for the consultant who was dealing with an emergency caesarean. By this point we had been in the hospital for almost 4 hours. The consultant finally came in and explained that the likelihood was an ectopic pregnancy and that I would either need surgery which meant the possibility of losing one of my tubes or, more likely, a course of methotrexate injections – which would affect my body for the next 3 months. The consultant wanted to go and check my hcg levels and left us to decide which option we wanted to go with. Ross and I decided that the injections would pose less risk and be a better course of action. It also meant that we would use that time to get even fitter and healthier.

The consultant returned with very good news. She said that the levels were so low that my body was self-aborting the ectopic pregnancy. I would not need any treatment except for bed rest. Ross and I were so relieved. I cried.  I was crying with relief because my body had decided to resolve this issue itself and Ross and I could still continue with our fitness plan. The consultant was so apologetic but we told her that this was a good thing.

This baby loss has been a bitch. I hate it for the fact that it has made me miss Grace’s first Christmas Carol concert since she started school (thankfully Ross went in my place). How it has taken the sparkle out of Ross’ eyes. How it has deprived my daughter of the one thing she truly wanted for Christmas and how useless it has made my body feel right now.

And now, as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, my heart bleeds for her and Ross and me. How our family of 3 W’s was going to become 4. How the loss of our cat Muse meant that we would be watched over and deserved to have this for how much we would love and want this baby and how great we would be as a mum and a dad and a sister.

The parent blogger world can be a minefield of emotions and suppression when this happens. I speak from experience of last time. Especially when you run linkys or read other peoples blogs. It’s hard not to feel upset coupled with a small amount resentment. Believe me, last time I felt this on a massive scale – but I hid it. And this, I believe, is what lead to a year of issues and problems for me. It is for this reason that I need to shut up shop on these for the next couple of weeks and spend Christmas with my family.

I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness and joy. I am so pleased for you all but I am sorry if I don’t comment on your pregnancy announcement or your breastfeeding issues or your joy in weaning or your baby’s first year. Whether it be on Facebook or on your blog. I need to be selfish. I need to look after me, Ross and Grace right now and be grateful for us and the fact that we have each other. Nothing else matters.

There will still be blog posts here and there – I’m behind on reviews and I would still love to apply to be a Mark Warner family. God knows Ross, Grace and I need something to look forward to.

I refuse to let this beat me. I want to take some time to get over this and then come back fighting harder and stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading and thank you for understanding.

Prose for Thought, Post Comment Love and Social Follow Love will return in the New Year.

 

 
Digiprove sealCopyright protected by Digiprove © 2014-2015 Victoria Welton

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103 Comments

  1. January 16, 2015 / 12:38 pm

    Dear Vic, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have only just read this as we went away for the Christmas period so I wasn’t reading blogs much at all. But although it’s late, my sympathy is just as strong and I hope you are OK. I know there is a period of sadness after baby loss which is hard to shake or believe will ever end. I just wish the best on your journey. Love Jess xxx

  2. January 2, 2015 / 10:10 am

    Hi Vic, I am so so sorry to hear this. Miscarriage is terrible, especially when you’ve been waiting for so long. I hope you managed to find the time to heal and hole up together with Ross and Grace over Christmas and I wish you all the very best for the new year. xxxx

  3. December 27, 2014 / 1:10 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this post, just want to wish you all the best for 2015 x
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  4. December 26, 2014 / 6:45 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I admire your courage and will be thinking of you, Ross and Grace.

    Lots of loves and hugs,
    Pamela

  5. December 17, 2014 / 9:18 pm

    Oh, lovely! Sending you love and hugs. Make sure you take time out to take care of yourself and let yourself breathe and feel. We’re not going anywhere xxx

  6. Maddy@writingbubble
    December 17, 2014 / 9:13 pm

    Oh Vicky, I’m so very sorry to read this. You, Ross and Grace are such a lovely family who deserve the best. Of course you already have the best in having each other but I can understand how much the loss of these two little lives, a year ago and this month, have taken their toll. Lots of love. xxx

  7. December 14, 2014 / 9:25 am

    Vicky I am SO sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through – I also went through a miscarriage this year (baby would have been due last week) and understand what a sad and frustrating time it can be. I had a really tough time coming to terms with it and found writing about it really helped – its amazing what sharing something like this can do for you. I really hope and pray for you and your family that 2015 will bring good vibes. Thinking of you lots xxxx

  8. Slender Mist
    December 13, 2014 / 3:53 pm

    Its a big loss for anyone and no sorry word seems to subside the pain of losing your baby. But you have to be brave for your daughter and you should look at your daughter as you have one There are so many people who do not have any child. Hope you will recover soon and all things will be lrft behind.
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  9. December 13, 2014 / 11:05 am

    So sorry for your loss I can’t even begin to imagine how your feeling.
    Thinking of you and your family xx
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  10. December 13, 2014 / 9:55 am

    Oh Vicky I am so so sorry for your loss for Ross and Grace too. You are doing right by taking time and you should be selfish at a time like this never feel guilty about it. Never apologize for it either. Keep up your new healthy ways and all you can do is what you do best love your family and yourself as much as possible stay positive take time for you and try to enjoy christmas and start the new year a fresh stronger than ever as you said. I am sending the biggest virtual hugs I can! You are so strong and brave for sharing your story too. I know many in your position that have experienced the same but don’t feel they can speak openly about it and I think it helps to express your feelings and know you have so many to love and support you. Whether it’s virtual friends or not we all love you and are hear to listen when you need.
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  11. December 13, 2014 / 9:18 am

    I am so so sorry!!
    It really is a bitch!
    Ive never experienced a loss, but I was TTCing for over 18 months which was very hard and many ladies in my support groups suffered from reoccurring losses and it was just heartbreaking.
    Look after each other and hug each other a little tighter this weekend.
    Thinking of you! x
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  12. December 12, 2014 / 5:58 pm

    Oh my heart has just broken. I wish I had some words to say for you that could make it all better.

    Look after yourself my lovely, thinking of you X
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  13. Emma
    December 12, 2014 / 3:28 pm

    I’m so so sorry to hear this, am reading the post with tears in my eyes. I am thinking of you all.

    xx
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  14. December 12, 2014 / 2:20 pm

    I can understand, we also had a early miscarriage last month at 5 and a half weeks. I still find myself bursting into tears over it. That song is beautiful (probably shouldn’t have watched it in my emotional state as I am now sitting at the kitchen table crying.. ). I don’t know what to say to you because I don’t know how to deal with it myself but it is heartbreaking. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas. x

  15. December 12, 2014 / 11:35 am

    Take care of yourself. x

    I’m sad for you, but I hope you still manage to have a nice Xmas, take this time like you say to spend time with family and let your thoughts wonder. Grieve. It’s healthy.

    See you next year. ๐Ÿ™‚
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  16. December 12, 2014 / 11:14 am

    Victoria – my heart goes out to you. Please know that there are many of us out here in cyberspace who are thinking of you and sending you our best wishes. Take care of yourself and take all the time out you need. Lots of love. C xxx
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  17. December 12, 2014 / 9:41 am

    Oh Victoria I am so sorry. There are no words. Tears stream my face and I wish I could give you a hug right now. I’m sending virtual hugs instead. I hope you take time to enjoy (as much as you can) Christmas with your little family. Rest up, recharge, get healthy. Thinking of you. xx
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  18. December 12, 2014 / 9:10 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost 3 babies, one after the other before I had Fran. The pain is incredible. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to heal and grieve.My thoughts are with you all xx
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  19. December 12, 2014 / 9:07 am

    Oh Vic, I’m so so sorry for you ๐Ÿ™ life is completely unfair a lot of the time. We have three sets of friends in a similar position to you; each couple are desperate for a child, each couple would be amazing parents and each couple can’t conceive, naturally or otherwise. I hope everything works out, and that you’ll be welcoming a new bundle into the world soon. Enjoy your Christmas break and lots of love xx

  20. andyliftsandmoves
    December 12, 2014 / 7:54 am

    Well, that very nearly made a grown man blub on a packed commuter train! So sorry to hear you have been going through this. It is brutally unfair that good people with so much love to give have troubles like this.

    Rest up and recover, we’ll all see you in the new year.
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  21. Claire
    December 12, 2014 / 7:13 am

    I am so sorry to read this Victoria ๐Ÿ™ my thoughts are with you both. I remember this day when it happened to me and the awful awful feeling like it was yesterday. I will never forget the look on the nurses face when she told me and I broke in tears in front of her and it was over 10 years ago ๐Ÿ™ take care lovely. What got me through it was thinking it is not the right time at the moment and that the right time will come, and it did.. Keep strong.Send you hugs Xx

  22. December 12, 2014 / 7:06 am

    I am so incredibly sorry you and Ross had to go through this experience honey. The whole situation is very unfair for you both but thank goodness you were ok after the ectopic as I know from family experience they can be very dangerous. Great plan to focus on your family over Xmas and I have everything crossed for you that 2015 will be the year for you. Massive hugs, Amy xx
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  23. December 11, 2014 / 11:24 pm

    Adding my voice of support to all on here. Follow your heart and your fitness goal and look after You, Ross and Grace and have that time off together, we will all be here for the healthier even more stunning You in the New Year and lets hope 2015 brings much joy your way xx
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  24. December 11, 2014 / 8:59 pm

    I am so, so sorry to both of you. I am sat with tears in my eyes, life can be so very cruel. We went through an ectopic pregnancy at the end of September, it was such a hard, horrible time. Most definitely focus on you and your family and protect yourself – it is physically painful – I know to read / see people’s announcements, scan pictures etc. when your world has crumbled. I’m so sorry once again. Sending big if inadequate hugs xxx
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  25. December 11, 2014 / 7:47 pm

    I am so so sorry and wish I could offer words of comfort. Your family are in my prayers and I hope that 2015 is your year and all your dreams come true xx
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  26. Mrs TeePot
    December 11, 2014 / 7:36 pm

    Oh, my love, sending so much strength to you all right now, so much love. You do not deserve this, you are such good, wonderful people. xxx
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  27. December 11, 2014 / 2:51 pm

    Oh Vic, I am so sorry for this to have happened. I’m not going into a big speech reassuring you because nothing can. It’s crap and you don’t deserve it. Huge hug.
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  28. December 11, 2014 / 2:38 pm

    So sorry for your loss Vic. I know your pain and grief is real and raw right now, but one day the universe will conspire to make it all better again. As the saying goes: ‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…’ Hugs and kisses xxx
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  29. Franglaise Mummy
    December 11, 2014 / 2:23 pm

    I am so so sorry lovely. Having been through the euphoria of a positive test and then bleeding and a miscarriage a week later I feel your pain, especially as so many people seem to think that an early miscarriage is no big deal. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through it twice and that the two people you love the most in the world suffer your pain too. Sending you love and positive thoughts, but make sure you grieve your loss, don’t underplay it just because that’s what society expects, and definitely take a break and don’t feel bad about it xx
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  30. December 11, 2014 / 2:13 pm

    Oh Vicky – I think a lot of us are a bit tearful reading this post. Ross is clearly such a wonderful dad and I will send all my Christmas wishes to you guys for 2015. Good idea to take a break too – you work so hard all year and it is no hardship to the rest of us to focus on our families too. Brave move to open up about this publicly – including your state of mind – but absolutely the right thing to do – hiding the hurt never helps. Hugs Xxx
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  31. Spidermummy
    December 11, 2014 / 1:55 pm

    Oh you poor love ๐Ÿ™ We’ve been through this, and it totally and utterly sucks. I don’t blame you one bit for stepping away for a bit. I really hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas. Be kind to yourself. Xxx
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  32. December 11, 2014 / 1:55 pm

    My heart is breaking for the three of you, I wish there was something I could do to make this all better for you. The best I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers over Christmas, look after yourselves xx
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  33. December 11, 2014 / 1:45 pm

    Oh sweetheart…I am so so sorry to hear of this and I can never say anything that will make it any better for you. Life as a whole can be a real bitch sometimes, to much too you guys of late and I truly do hope that a new year brings new beginnings for you guys. Take care of yourself yeah…*big hugs* xx
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  34. December 11, 2014 / 1:43 pm

    Oh Vicki I am crying for you and Grace and Ross. I have no words, only that I am thinking of you all and this isn’t fair. I wish you much love. Spend all the time you need looking after you and Ross and Grace. Much love xxxx
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  35. December 11, 2014 / 1:43 pm

    Sorry to read about all you’ve been through. I know that feeling of finding out you’re pregnant only almost immediately to find that the baby is gone. Hope you get one that sticks around very soon. x
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  36. December 11, 2014 / 12:54 pm

    Dear Girl, I can think of no words of comfort, can offer nothing that will help ease the pain. But goodness, you’ve had a bumpy ride. I carry the clear memories of what it is like to experience all of this, yet I know that my experience will be completely different to yours. I know that I did not want to hear “I had the same experience” when I was living with such sadness. I can only tell you that I am there for you if you need someone (though frankly- you seem to have that covered) and that I am sending all the energy strength and love that I can down the virtual highway. x
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  37. December 11, 2014 / 12:53 pm

    Couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. ๐Ÿ™ Take care Vicky and enjoy your family time over Christmas x we’ll say a little prayer for you x Hope 2015 will bring you joy x

  38. December 11, 2014 / 12:41 pm

    I am so sorry to hear. I have had one miscarriage. Was the worst feeling ever. I had it a day after announcing it to the world. Here for you if I can be of any support. Take care of yourself and take all the time you need.
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  39. December 11, 2014 / 12:34 pm

    Oh Vic,
    I am so sorry to read this. I have no idea how you both must be feeling right now. You be selfish and make the time for the 3 of you and grieve how you need to.
    sending love, our thoughts are with you. Xx
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  40. December 11, 2014 / 12:28 pm

    So sorry that life can be a bitch in this way, especially to someone who deserves so much better. I’m hoping very hard that next year you will have the wonderful addition to your family which will bring peace and happiness to you all. Stick to your word and take that much needed break. Will be rooting for you re Mark Warner. Sending hugs across the miles xx

  41. December 11, 2014 / 12:09 pm

    Oh hunny, that’s so so sad ๐Ÿ™ do take some time out and have a relaxing Christmas. Sending gentle hugs xx
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  42. Emma from over at LIFE AS IT IS
    December 11, 2014 / 11:39 am

    Vicki,

    Baby loss is cruel. I am thinking of your lovely family.

    Be kind to yourself.

    xxx
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  43. December 11, 2014 / 11:34 am

    You brought me to tears reading this post, I feel so much for you, Ross and Grace. I am really sorry that this is happening and really really hope that 2015 can bring you what you wish for. I don’t know what to say…. but take care and I am thinking of you.
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  44. December 11, 2014 / 11:27 am

    Oh Vicky. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, Ross and Grace. Thinking of you.Take care of yourself. Keep believing. Sending virtual hugs. Xx
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  45. Emma | The Mini Mes and Me
    December 11, 2014 / 11:24 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this has happened again Victoria, if you want to talk/vent I’m always about, just give me a message if/when you need.

    Please do not feel guilty about this, I know you probably will as I have done too, but there is nobody to blame. Nothing you did/didn’t do caused this, it was nature and beyond your control. These things unfortunately do happen and to many of us.

    Good luck beautiful lady. xx

  46. December 11, 2014 / 11:05 am

    Oh Vicky, big, big hugs to you all. There’s not much I can say that will make you feel better, but do take time to look after yourselves and know that there are a lot of people who send you their best wishes and love. You’ll be in my thoughts this Christmas and I hope you, Ross and Grace will still have a magical time together. xx
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  47. December 11, 2014 / 10:55 am

    Oh Vicky I’m so sad to read this. You’ve articulated it all so well, it’s exactly how I felt after mine. You are absolutely right to withdraw from the world of social networking and I’m so glad you are taking time out for you, Ross and Grace. You mention Ross a lot and that is so selfless, don’t forget to think about yourself too. We are all here when you need us. And I really hope that 2015 is going to be your year. Have a special family Christmas and take good care of yourself. Much love xx
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  48. December 11, 2014 / 10:32 am

    Oh Vicky, I am so sorry. You and Ross are so lovely and so deserving it really does feel so unfair. No one will blame you for taking some time out for you and your family. I hope your body heals quickly. I know you guys will get through this, in your own ways. I truly hope that next year is your year. Xxx
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  49. December 11, 2014 / 10:30 am

    So sorry for your loss, thinking of you all and sending hugs x
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  50. December 11, 2014 / 10:23 am

    Hi Vici, I don’t really know what to say other than stay strong. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through but as cliched as it sounds time will help, you are right to pull the shutters down and concentrate on you Ross and Grace. You’ve written an excellent post, I only hope putting it down on paper will help you in the long run. you offer so much support to me (even when I’ve been having my dim moments) and other bloggers I hope you get some support in return.

    Take care,

    Richard
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  51. December 11, 2014 / 10:23 am

    I’m so sorry for both your losses im sorry that two such deserving and wonderful people as yourselves are seemingly fighting a battle you simply should not. I will think of you all and pray for your good health, new year and so much more. Be selfish, have a lovely Christmas with your family and know the blogging community are thinking of you all right now xx

  52. December 11, 2014 / 10:20 am

    I’m so sorry, Vic. Baby loss is a bitch. In fact, I think it’s putting it mildly. I hear you about not wanting to comment on pregnancy announcements and the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding. The double edged sword of being a parenting blogger. Makes sense to give yourself space. I’m about to do similar. Love xxx
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  53. December 11, 2014 / 10:19 am

    I am so so sorry Victoria. It took four years, two IVF’s and a miscarriage (that they thought was ectopic but luckily wasn’t) to get my daughter, but she was worth the wait ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you all have a lovely Christmas together and next year brings that baby that you so deserve. The one that you take home with you will be a lucky baby to be surrounded by so much love, that is for sure xxx

  54. Prudence
    December 11, 2014 / 10:16 am

    Oh Victoria , I am so sorry. My heart is with you as you struggle through this sad time.You know I have just gone through the same horrid experience. If you need someone to talk to- I’m always here.
    I hope that we both see happier times next year. With all my love Prue x

  55. December 11, 2014 / 10:14 am

    Thinking of you guys. I read this sobbing too, I know all too well the feeling of losing a baby and there is nothing quite like it. Look after each other, I’ll be thinking of you xxx
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  56. Izzie Anderton
    December 11, 2014 / 10:10 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I think you’re right to take some time away from work to recover. We’re all here for you whenever you need us. Big hugs for a very lovely lady x
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  57. December 11, 2014 / 10:02 am

    Vic, I’m so sorry. I know from your comments and support on my blog that you and Ross want this desperately, and I know from my own infertility and miscarriage how unbearable it is to read and hear other people’s successes around you at this time.

    I applaud you for focussing on your family at Xmas and hope that this cruel blow doesn’t spoil it for you all. Grace is a precious gift and I have no doubt that your love for her will pull you through as Oscar did for me in Nov 2013.

    I hope you get the happiness you deserve in 2015, and that you have a healing Christmas xx
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  58. December 11, 2014 / 10:00 am

    Oh Vic I am so terribly sorry, I have read this with tears streaming down my face, you can just feel your anguish and pain in the way you have written this. Life can be incredibly unfair to good people. Thinking of you all, hope you spend some well deserved Christmas time together and here’s to 2015 being a happy year. Lots of love. xx
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  59. Michelle twin mum
    December 11, 2014 / 9:59 am

    Ohh bless you Vic, I’m so sorry. I pray your body heals and next year you successfully carry your much awaited next babe. Mich x

  60. December 11, 2014 / 9:57 am

    So sorry to read this ๐Ÿ™ sending hugs and wish there was anything I could do to help. I will be thinking of you all and hope you do eventually get the good news that you’re waiting for, you really do deserve it xxxx
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  61. December 11, 2014 / 9:56 am

    Oh huni, I am truly so sorry for everything you are going through. You are doing the right thing concentrating on your beautiful family. There is no justice in this world. We tried for a long time to get Baby (and experienced a miscarriage) I have experienced all those feelings you describe and I hate how the longing changed me as a person. I hope that your dreams come true, in the meantime hold Ross & Grace tight xxxx
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  62. December 11, 2014 / 9:56 am

    I’m so sorry! Thinking of you, Ross & Grace!
    Sending love and hugs xxxx

  63. Becci
    December 11, 2014 / 9:52 am

    Victoria YOU are so very brave, strong, and inspiring for share your grief and heartache. Sending my love your way x x x x

  64. December 11, 2014 / 9:48 am

    So extemely sorry for yours and your family’s loss. I know all to well how it feels but I applaud you for being so open and honest because this should be a subject we can talk about and support each other through. I have every faith that 2015 will be a better more positive year for you. ((hugs)) xx
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  65. December 11, 2014 / 9:38 am

    Oh Vicky, I’m so so sad for you all my love. I am really sorry to read this, my heart goes out to you. You are absolutely right, you must look out for yourself, Ross and Grace right now. Nothing else does matter. Try and have a good Christmas and like you say, come back fighting fit and ready to keep trying next year. I’m lucky that I’ve never suffered baby loss but I did mourn for a long time over not being able to have a third child and I know how hard that was (and can still be at times). Please look after yourself.
    Much love to you all, Jo xx
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  66. December 11, 2014 / 9:11 am

    I’m sitting here with the tears streaming for you Vicky, such a beautifully written and heart breaking post, you are so strong and we all love you. Have a peaceful restorative Christmas and let’s hope 2015 bring you the joy you deserve. Cat xxx

  67. December 11, 2014 / 9:09 am

    Read this in tears. So sorry. Having been through an awful miscarriage myself I know just how crap it is. The emotional roller coaster is still with me 3 years later. I truly hope you get your dream next year xx
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  68. December 11, 2014 / 8:57 am

    I’m so sorry to read this and of course you must step back and nuture yourself and your family. Life is a bitch sometimes. I feel your pain totally as I’ve been there too. Look after yourself and here’s hoping 2015 will bring you the happiness you deserve.
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  69. December 11, 2014 / 8:15 am

    This is such a brave post to write. My heart goes out to you. I have had two missed miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy and you are right baby loss is truly a bitch! It is hard to explain the emptiness and grief to someone who has not experienced it. You will never forget but the pain will get less. Take care and be kind to yourself. All my love and hugs Lucy xxxx
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  70. December 11, 2014 / 8:15 am

    I’m so so sorry Vicky, I wish I could give you a massive hug and just sit with you. It’s so hard and cruel how it can be taken away without explanation and I hope you are ok at this really tough time and getting lots of rest. I’ve been thinking a lot about you recently. I truly wish 2015 is your year. Sending you lots of love xx

  71. December 11, 2014 / 8:05 am

    Oh Vicky I am so sorry to read this. You are in my thoughts and I hope that 2015 will bring everything you want. Xxx
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  72. December 11, 2014 / 7:46 am

    I am so very sorry. I have joked about it before I had Georgie last year, remember, because you guys always look like such a cute couple and I have read a lot on your blog to know Ross is and would make a very good daddy. I am so very sorry for your losses.xx
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  73. Rebecca Beesley
    December 11, 2014 / 7:42 am

    So so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Hope you get lots of rest over Christmas and will pray for an amazing year next year. Much love xxx

  74. gareth bennett
    December 11, 2014 / 7:16 am

    I guess being a bloke in the same situation as you guys are this will be more aimed at your bloke than you but trust me, it’s not easy and it’s you will be gutted and want ‘one of your own’ ect but fatherhood is about more than just donating some little white dudes. It’s being there for them, it’s wanting to kick the cr@p out of their first boyfriend for hurting them, it’s shoulder rides even though you’re tired after work, it’s the ‘daddy dinners’ that only you know how to make, the silly bedtime stories that only your slightly more immature male mind can come up with. It’s all that she will remember and pass on to her own kids, not who made her in the first place.

    I have 2, neither ‘real dad’ want’s to know and they both know me as their dad. yeah sometimes I’d like ‘my own’ It’s a basic male thing, to sow your seed, see your line continue ect. but you know what? I’m a dad to two beautiful girls who will both grow up to be successful and happy based on how I have been to them and no one, not any ‘real dad’ or nature or the whole damn world can take that away from me, or you!

    Chin up, your already a family and Christmas is the best time of year to remember it!

    • December 11, 2014 / 12:06 pm

      Thanks for this, Gareth – really helpful comment, much appreciated.

  75. December 11, 2014 / 6:57 am

    There’s not really anything of any use that I can say. I’m so sorry and I think that taking some time out to focus on you, Ross and Grace is exactly the right thing to do.
    Thinking of you all and sending love and strength xxx
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  76. December 11, 2014 / 6:55 am

    I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult time you’re going through. Please take comfort in knowing that you have a husband who loves you and a daughter who thinks the world of you. Thinking of you and your family as you mourn x
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  77. December 11, 2014 / 6:54 am

    I’m so sorry to read this, I can imagine just how you must both feel (although I’ve never been in this position myself). Take it easy and give yourself time to heal physically and mentally.
    Sending healing thoughts and hugs. x
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  78. December 11, 2014 / 6:53 am

    Oh Vicky I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. I know nothing I can say will make it better but I think you are doing the right thing taking some time to grieve and not hide how you’re feeling. Take care lovely lady and hoping for a more positive 2015 xxx
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  79. December 11, 2014 / 6:48 am

    I am so, so sorry for your losses. Thinking of you, Ross and Grace. Take all the time you need, the blogosphere will still be here when you are ready to return. Sending huge virtual hugs your way xxx

  80. December 11, 2014 / 6:43 am

    There are no words of comfort I can offer you, but I wanted you to know my heart goes out to you both as life deals you another cruel hand – to someone who is least deserving of it. Sending love and hugs. Take care of yourself lovely lady. We are all here for you in whatever way we can be xx
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