There’s been something I’ve been meaning to write about for quite some time now. My trust issues. I have lots of them. This is quite a personal post and I don’t feel I have any reason to explain myself but I do feel that I can share it with my readers.
I’ve had trust issues since I was young. My father used to hide an awful lot from my Mum and eventually she became increasingly suspicious and found out A LOT! I am not going to go into that here because it is not my story to tell save to say that if your estranged husband took your car away when you were trying to get to your radiotherapy appointments to treat your cancer, I don’t suppose you would be too impressed!
What I am going to tell you about, however, is the things I have experienced from my own relationships that have led me to become the person I am. And why Ross is so much better for me. This also shows why I don’t believe in staying friends with your ex – not that I begrudge anyone else doing that!
In my first serious relationship, I thought I had found true love. What I had in fact found was a liar. For the purposes of this post, I shall call him K. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I discovered that, prior to moving in with me, K had had to pay his brother back rather a lot of money when running up their shared phone bill because he was calling chat lines all hours of the day. Naively I thought that, because he was moving in with me, all this would stop.
At the time, I was working for a relocation company. My main client was BT. One day we received a warning letter at home from BT informing us that our bill was going to be unusually high that quarter. I asked K if he knew anything about this. He didn’t and insisted that he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. Of course, I was very annoyed with BT and started to discuss it with my contacts there. They advised me on the course of action to take and I sent for an itemised printout (these were not standard at the time).
It arrived and showed calls at all hours. 1.30am, 3am, 4.30 am even. The times when K and I were in bed asleep. Or so I thought.
The to-ing and fro-ing with BT went on for a number of weeks and, because the bill was in K’s name (I have to say at this stage that I was always the one to sort out the bills and deal with the household bits and bobs. K worked shifts as he was a chef and we decided it was easier for me to handle this) they were only prepared to discuss it with him.
We were round my Mum’s one day when I finally convinced K to ring BT and have it out with them. He agreed. We sat down, he lifted up the receiver and…he put it down again. Then he came clean. It was him all along. I was furious. I had no clue that he had been sneaking downstairs whilst I was asleep to go on these chatlines. I had been taken for a fool. He begged and pleaded and said he was sorry. I believed him and we got married (I know! What a fool I was!). I was 21 and he was 22.
After we got married it got better for a while. Until the abuse started. Not physical to start with, but verbal. Continuously I was cussed at and called names. One distinct memory was on holiday in Tenerife. I had terrible period pains the day we decided to go to a water park. I went down a few water slides but didn’t want to go down the particularly large one for obvious reasons. The tirade of abuse that came my way from K was awful – and very embarrassing in front of a group of children. I was called a ‘lazy bitch’ ‘a boring slag’ and was told I should pack my bags because I was no fun.
The abuse was over as quick as it had started. Then the apologies came. By that stage it was too late. I had had enough.
When we got home, things went from bad to worse. K was using cheques from our mortgage account putting us into arrears on our mortgage plus, we were getting charged for the cheques in the process and then went into arrears yet again on our phone bill.
One day, K started to hit me. I moved out. Then, when I went back to the house to get some of my things the following week, I found a note from a girl K had been sleeping with and (apologies because this is disgusting) a cup of urine in the bedroom where he couldn’t be bothered to get up for the toilet.
The girl that K was sleeping with worked with my brother! She started bad-mouthing me but thankfully my brother stuck up for me and soon put her straight!
I can honestly say our marriage was over.
In Part 2 I shall tell you about my 12 year relationship, the even bigger abuses of trust and how Ross is helping to alleviate – and put up with – my fears every day.
I would love some votes in the BiB Awards please. I made 3 shortlists last year and was a finalist in Video. This year I would love a chance to win! Please consider me for any category but especially Innovate, Best Writer and Social Media. You can vote at http://www.britmums.com/nominate2014/