It’s a Matter of Trust. Part 1.

woods-04-116126-mThere’s been something I’ve been meaning to write about for quite some time now. My trust issues. I have lots of them. This is quite a personal post and I don’t feel I have any reason to explain myself but I do feel that I can share it with my readers.

I’ve had trust issues since I was young. My father used to hide an awful lot from my Mum and eventually she became increasingly suspicious and found out A LOT! I am not going to go into that here because it is not my story to tell save to say that if your estranged husband took your car away when you were trying to get to your radiotherapy appointments to treat your cancer, I don’t suppose you would be too impressed!

What I am going to tell you about, however, is the things I have experienced from my own relationships that have led me to become the person I am. And why Ross is so much better for me. This also shows why I don’t believe in staying friends with your ex – not that I begrudge anyone else doing that!

In my first serious relationship, I thought I had found true love. What I had in fact found was a liar. For the purposes of this post, I shall call him K. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I discovered that, prior to moving in with me, K had had to pay his brother back rather a lot of money when running up their shared phone bill because he was calling chat lines all hours of the day. Naively I thought that, because he was moving in with me, all this would stop.

It didn’t.

At the time, I was working for a relocation company. My main client was BT. One day we received a warning letter at home from BT informing us that our bill was going to be unusually high that quarter. I asked K if he knew anything about this. He didn’t and insisted that he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. Of course, I was very annoyed with BT and started to discuss it with my contacts there. They advised me on the course of action to take and I sent for an itemised printout (these were not standard at the time).

It arrived and showed calls at all hours. 1.30am, 3am, 4.30 am even. The times when K and I were in bed asleep. Or so I thought.

The to-ing and fro-ing with BT went on for a number of weeks and, because the bill was in K’s name (I have to say at this stage that I was always the one to sort out the bills and deal with the household bits and bobs. K worked shifts as he was a chef and we decided it was easier for me to handle this) they were only prepared to discuss it with him.

We were round my Mum’s one day when I finally convinced K to ring BT and have it out with them. He agreed. We sat down, he lifted up the receiver and…he put it down again. Then he came clean. It was him all along. I was furious. I had no clue that he had been sneaking downstairs whilst I was asleep to go on these chatlines. I had been taken for a fool. He begged and pleaded and said he was sorry. I believed him and we got married (I know! What a fool I was!). I was 21 and he was 22.

After we got married it got better for a while. Until the abuse started. Not physical to start with, but verbal. Continuously I was cussed at and called names. One distinct memory was on holiday in Tenerife. I had terrible period pains the day we decided to go to a water park. I went down a few water slides but didn’t want to go down the particularly large one for obvious reasons. The tirade of abuse that came my way from K was awful – and very embarrassing in front of a group of children. I was called a ‘lazy bitch’ ‘a boring slag’ and was told I should pack my bags because I was no fun.

The abuse was over as quick as it had started. Then the apologies came. By that stage it was too late. I had had enough.

When we got home, things went from bad to worse. K was using cheques from our mortgage account putting us into arrears on our mortgage plus, we were getting charged for the cheques in the process and then went into arrears yet again on our phone bill.

One day, K started to hit me. I moved out. Then, when I went back to the house to get some of my things the following week, I found a note from a girl K had been sleeping with and (apologies because this is disgusting) a cup of urine in the bedroom where he couldn’t be bothered to get up for the toilet.

The girl that K was sleeping with worked with my brother! She started bad-mouthing me but thankfully my brother stuck up for me and soon put her straight!

I can honestly say our marriage was over.

In Part 2 I shall tell you about my 12 year relationship, the even bigger abuses of trust and how Ross is helping to alleviate – and put up with – my fears every day.

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24 Comments

  1. March 23, 2014 / 6:37 pm

    That post will help so many people who are in an abusive relationship, wondering if there is life beyond what they are enduring.
    There is.
    Well done for getting through it and trusting someone else to form another relationship.
    I spent a long time after my first marriage ended wondering if I could trust again and Mr Bluecrisps and I have been together 14 years this year x

    • March 23, 2014 / 11:18 pm

      I really do hope it helps lots of people Jeanette. That really is my intention. I hope that by people seeing that it is not just physical but mental abuse that is harmful, it may help people to realise what they are going through. Congratulations on your time with Mr B – that is so wonderful xx
      Victoria recently posted..Silent Sunday and My Sunday Photo 23rd March 2014My Profile

  2. Mrs Teepot
    March 22, 2014 / 12:55 pm

    Oh huni I don’t know where to begin or what to say *hugs*
    I’m so sorry you’ve been through this and I’m not sure if I should say this, but I look forward to reading your future posts on the topic of trust issues because I certainly have some myself after being cheated on & lied to.
    I’m glad you’ve found someone who treats you right though
    Mrs Teepot recently posted..RefocusingMy Profile

    • March 22, 2014 / 3:51 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment – and I am glad that you are looking forward to my next installment – it FAR outweighs this one! Thanks for commenting xx

  3. March 21, 2014 / 10:39 am

    That is so painful to read. It’s good to share it to highlight what abuse is and help others who are living in difficult situations. What an awful thing to go through. I’m so glad you now have happiness with Ross and Grace. x
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..Becoming invisible…My Profile

  4. March 21, 2014 / 9:27 am

    I cannot imagine that you’ve been through all this and come out the other end as confident and as mature as you are! The things we endure in the pursuit of dreams and love… I’ve always thought of you as kind and helpful, Victoria…and very giving. I’m glad that life’s ordeals have left you better and stronger. Much love and respect, Kanch! xxxx
    Kanchan recently posted..The Bluewater Baby and Toddler Show ~ Kent!My Profile

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  6. March 19, 2014 / 9:22 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this, Victoria – it must have been really hard to write about such a horrendous time. It’s a great testament to your strength that you wrote it, and also that your positivity really shines from your blog, despite the traumatic relationships you’ve suffered. Love Jess x
    Jess Paterson recently posted..How To Get A Bit Of Lego Out Of Your Kid’s NoseMy Profile

    • March 19, 2014 / 9:32 pm

      Funnily enough, now I am so out of it, it seems easy enough to write. I guess I am ready to share what has happened now and help other people understand that it is wrong to be treated so badly. Thank you so much for your truly kind words Jess, I really appreciate it xx
      Victoria recently posted..It’s a Matter of Trust. Part 1.My Profile

  7. Louisa
    March 19, 2014 / 7:24 pm

    Excellent post Victoria. My first husband beat me and although I left him it took me a long time to be able to trust again. You are a strong woman for writing this x
    Louisa recently posted..Making pom pomsMy Profile

  8. March 19, 2014 / 7:19 pm

    Well done Vicky, that can’t have been easy to write and share. The courage and honesty you have shown will help others in their struggles, you have done so well to come out of the past and find the relationship you are in now, brilliant post. Cat xxx

  9. March 19, 2014 / 6:44 pm

    I admire your courage and honesty. It must be a very hard post to write. Being bullied in that way is horrendous and is so damaging to self esteem-it eats away and is very hard to fully move away from. But I think you are a very strong woman and with love and support are doing just fine. If you’re anything like me, writing and publishing this will help you along the way. Thank you for sharing x
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    • March 19, 2014 / 8:48 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely words Iona. You are so right – being able to post what I have been through is not only cathartic but may also help someone else xx
      Victoria recently posted..It’s a Matter of Trust. Part 1.My Profile

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