I Am Not A Bad Mother.

I’m struggling.

There, I’ve said it….I’m really struggling.

Grace means the world to me and all I want to do is protect her. All I’ve ever wanted to do is stop people hurting her, spoiling her, bullying her and controlling her and her emotions. I think that is what any Mother wants. Which is the reason I will take the flack and get bullied for her.
I am exhausted.
I thought I had put this all behind me 6 years ago and now I find myself feeling very similar emotions, however in those days it was far easier not to let Grace see. She is 6 and a half now and is even more perceptive to me being upset. Back in those days, my Mum would take Grace off me and let me have an hour or so to myself to cry so that Grace didn’t see it. Now I find that Ross is doing a similar thing for me for the moment.  It doesn’t stop her coming up to me and putting her arm around me now and again, rubbing my back, telling me everything is going to be alright. It isn’t right that she should be doing that. And I do my best to hide it from her too.
Some people are born bullies and never seem to stop or even know or understand that they are doing it.  They act like the seagulls from Finding Nemo without a thought for anyone else but themselves.  I found myself up against a female version of this last Monday evening.
He will never see things from my perspective. Never understand that he might be in the wrong or see things from a small child’s point of view. And he has met his equal from what I have seen in this new woman.  Instead of dealing with one bully, I am dealing with two. Last week I was called names, accused of things I had and hadn’t done when all I was trying to do was make sure, from one Mum to another, that Grace was being put first. That she was in a nurturing environment. That her needs were being put first and that our parenting matched. Then she stood up in a public place, called me names and walked out on me.  How is this right and constructive for Grace? How can I trust where she is and who she is with? How is Grace coming home tearful, anxious, insecure and scared to go to bed at night constructive? How is that right for her? Or me? Or Ross?   I am doing everything I can to help her to be a little girl who is secure and happy, who can sleep safely in her bed at night without worrying.
I had learnt how to deal with the first bully. Show them I was strong and stood up to them without compromising me or my daughter.  I am still trying to show them that, contrary to their belief, I am not doing things ‘out of spite’ toward them. I don’t waste my time on things like that, I have a life I want to live. So why should it be any different now that there is someone else in the picture?
More threats have come. More promises of court if things don’t go their way. They are forgetting the fact that it is not about them.  It is about a charismatic little girl currently downstairs playing and laughing with Ross. She is starting to find her security again, feel safe and happy and I want to wrap her up in cotton wool and never let her see the bad things.
All I want is for Grace to be happy. When she is away it means I have some ‘us’ time for me and Ross. Something vitally important for us as Grace was in our relationship  from around 4 months in of Ross and I being together. Most couples have at least 10 or 11 months of getting to know each other minimum. Now, because I need to put Grace and her feelings first, our two precious evenings every other week are on the back burner for the moment.  I don’t care though….I will do this, despite everything, for Grace. But apparently, according to the bullies, I am doing that out of spite.
I will continue to put my daughter first, protect her feelings and make sure she is safe. No matter what.
So, in answer to the question I asked myself on my post last week…..no, I am not a bad Mother.
Motivational Monday
Linking to this week’s Motivational Monday

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15 Comments

  1. August 24, 2013 / 9:01 am

    You are not a bad mother and there is nothing wrong with putting the interests of your daughter first. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is to cope with, but I hope that the situation gets resolved soon x
    Izzie Anderton recently posted..Awkward Situations For Twin TeenagersMy Profile

  2. August 18, 2013 / 8:53 am

    I am glad to see that at least you realise that you are a good mother. I’m sorry that they aren’t helping you deal with the situation and are making it harder. I hope whole heartedly that things could change and they could see what is happening, and talk to you in an adult manner.

    Grace is very lucky to have you.
    Pinkoddy recently posted..Silent Sunday – 18/8/13My Profile

  3. August 15, 2013 / 8:46 pm

    No, you are not a bad mother! I’m so sorry to read that you and Grace are being treated in this way. You are doing a brilliant job for her in putting her first. x
    Sarah MumofThreeWorld recently posted..Losing controlMy Profile

  4. August 15, 2013 / 6:44 am

    As you know I have been this child and I think you are doing the right thing. It sounds like she will always have an issue and you will never be able to change that. The amount of tears I have shed over my step-mum and dad has never been worth it, and all the issues I have now have resulted in my experiences with them. It’s not wrong to put your child first, I’m so glad you both have Ross for support x
    Jane recently posted..Small Steps Amazing Achievements – 14th August 2013My Profile

  5. August 14, 2013 / 9:38 pm

    I feel for you, I really do, and for Grace.

    I’ve been that little girl and you know what, shit flinging and all, I turned out OK.

    It’s going to be a long road but you’re a fantastic mum, keep strong. Keep constant.

    *Big hugs*
    Ava Konrad recently posted..Frankie Says “Relax”…My Profile

  6. Sharon
    August 14, 2013 / 9:22 pm

    Oh I have one of those female bullies in my life. Of course you are not a bad mother, what you feel is natural and a normal response. Take heart and be strong.

  7. August 14, 2013 / 9:09 pm

    I feel for you – this sounds like an awful situation. Have you considered calling in a mediator? Sometimes people are less likely to descend to name-calling and mud-slinging if there’s an impartial observer….
    Nell Heshram recently posted..Pigeon Postcard from WalesMy Profile

  8. August 14, 2013 / 9:01 pm

    You are certainly not a bad mother!! You are trying your best to do the best for Grace!!
    Hang on in there….Stay strong x
    Kim Carberry recently posted..High heels for children?My Profile

  9. August 14, 2013 / 8:00 pm

    I feel for you so much. It’s the worst thing to feel like you are somehow letting your children down. But you are absolutely not. You are doing everything you can under difficult circumstances. I have said this to myself and others recently, -try to remember you can’t fix everything. I would prepare yourself as much as possible both emotionally and legally and then see what happens. Sending lots of hugs xx
    Iona@Redpeffer recently posted..A Gardening gift in EdenMy Profile

  10. August 14, 2013 / 7:38 pm

    Reading between the lines your ex has a new lady and you are checking if your little one is safe when with them.
    It sounds stressful and I hope you will be okay.
    Sending love
    Liska xx
    Liska (@NewMumOnline) recently posted..An Ode to a Mum LIMERICKMy Profile

  11. AtoZ Mummy
    August 14, 2013 / 7:37 pm

    I’m glad you answered your own question. It sounds like you are a fantastic mother. I’m sorry that you have been having a hard time but I truly believe as long as you are both loving and honest with each other then you will continue to have a wonderful mother / daughter relationship. Give yourself a break and go have a cuddle with your funny, beautiful little girl xxx
    AtoZ Mummy recently posted..Money and FamilyMy Profile

  12. August 14, 2013 / 6:45 pm

    Oh Vicky, I feel for you I really do but despite our best efforts sometimes we just cannot protect our children from everything. When my Mum died I wanted nothing more to shelter my eldest from the aftermath, to shield her from my grief, from the nastiness of family members, but you know, sometimes it’s just not possible and all you can do is be honest to Grace, be true to who you are and let things play out as they need to; good or bad. As she is older you are better off talking things through in simple language if she asks to chat rather than hiding it from her or lying to protect her. Don’t get involved in the mud slinging and bullying. The past has taught me that the truth will out eventually – you just need to ride the storm my lovely. Sending you, Ross and beautiful Grace a big hug. You know where I am if you need a sounding board or a cuppa xxx
    Charlie Hughes recently posted..The Postpartum Bump – The Reality Is, It ExistsMy Profile

  13. August 14, 2013 / 6:40 pm

    You are most certainly NOT a bad mother. Your ex and his new girlfriend are frankly being selfish, manipulative, aggressive and like you said, bullies.
    All the talk of court etc is probably just talk, but can you take the first step, lay down some new boundaries and take legal steps?

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